GONE

The last hour is hard. You see it passing by, knowing. Does it have to end? A little reminder of how good it could be, sorry for making you late.

Depressing phone calls. I'll go into this later...

Laundry days are fun! Now I need to break in my sheets, again! Maybe. I know I needed sleep, body aching and abs hurting. I've put in alot of effort. I'm tired; I'm sleeping in my moms bed with the dog laying next to me. He knows I take good care of him. I have in the past; currently and in the future. He knows it. He'd bite my arm off if I didnt respect him or trust him. I want that... I should've kept Lotus even though my apartment and lifestyle wouldnt support him. I could've tried harder. I let it go. Caught up in my own, too busy to see how much of a committment it requires to take care of a dog (just imagine a living human). I'm not as selfish anymore, I'm a different person.

***
Happy Birthday little brother. Although, I'm the tiny one. I fit inside my brother. My brother is the opposite of me. My brother is different than me, unfortunately. Nothing he controls. What made it go so wrong? I still love him regardless. It's my blood, from our mom! He'll learn one day. He's trying - hopefully.

***
Saturday night and I'm watching Alladin with Kaleigh. Why does she love me soo much? I havent done anything for her except: hold her in my arms when she needs to be held. layed down with her when she wasnt feeling good. offer my food and make food for her (even thought she'll barely eat at times). educated her regarding how "things" work (like dunking cookies in milk, spinning records or how to operate a mouse). I'v read to her; talked to her about the television programs she's watching. I've talked to her, yes, talked to a 3 year old. I've been a friend and father figure to her, someone dependable and willing to help her when she needs it the most.

What has she done for me? She's been ther to put a smile on my face (maybe she felt i was hurt or upset). She's made me laugh when I'm unable to crack a smile. She's layed with me when I was too lazy to jump around. She's spoken truths when I'm blinded by the lights (little kids have a way of doing that...). She's taught me alot about myself; how and what it means to wholeheartedly take care of someone, flaws and perfections.

She's beautiful even thought she's not mine.

It could be her small offerings that warm me the most. I've really thought about what she's done for me and what she deserves. Her actions with me speak voluems, maybe she understands this, maybe she doesnt. Maybe she's playing a game. Maybe she's being honest with me, struggling to deal with what's going on just as much as I. I know she deserves someone good, someone to take care of her. Someone... Maybe things happened this way for a reason, one neither of us can see (at the moment).

***
I needed some male bonding Saturday night. I needed alot of things... It's good to laugh, it's good to cry. But, I dont cry... I complain. I realized I complained about the scene to the point that I pissed a few people off - tough shit. You and I both know that's how it is. Everyone else does too... I'm only trying to be a friend to you, speaking truths. I'm intense, I'm truthful and I'm respectful ... so I left.

I didnt make any enemies Saturday night. I think I was tired of hearing complains; even though I do my share I know how to change and correct what I'm complaining about. Others... fuck, I dont know. Some run away from the problems, some drink them away and others puff them away. Me, I deal, not that type either.

I realize I'm a good man; better than most but not the best. I'm a man, not a fucking ken doll! My body moves, my heart beats a rhythm and I have feelings! I dont fit into any category (like the ken doll), I'm not what you'd expect. Is anyone or any situation "what you expect" it to be? Fuck. If it were that simple I'd already be there by now...I'm not going to sit by and have my body and thoughts contorted, contrtolled and removed for someone elses enjoyment. I'll fight that shit until the very end...

I'm here to have fun, not be made fun of, not to be a fool. Then again, I do have a butt-chin.

I'm here to help.
I'm here to learn.
I'm here to love.
I'm here to grow.
I'm here to trust.

I'm here.