GONE

First, I'd like to say that I'm sorry my friends. If you only knew the pain my body was in last night, the hurt. I needed a massage, I needed sleep. I wanted to tell you my thoughts but I couldnt. I could barely change the channel or type let alone talk. Dont think I ignored you, I was tired, I needed time.

So....

Saturday afternoon was an adventure in a lot of ways. When I got home I needed to voice, I needed to reflect and reminisce. I decided a good way to clear my thoughts and enjoy myself would be to spend time alone, in the wilderness (of what I like to call the “woods"). I trekked for 3 hours; dog on the side, spliff in the pocket and 4 bottles of water to help deter dehydration. I found some unusual surprises; things changed! I found a cave, an odd footprint, an old tree with the 1940/1937 insignia plus the graveyard.

C

What does “C” mean when you’re at a graveyard… children! The cemetery really put a damper on my mood as I was still high from the previous day and night. If I told you, it would’ve brought you down. I know you were enjoying the little one, basking. I only wanted to share my thoughts, no let you down. I know I want to go back in time… 1924 and 1927. The oldest lot was from 1820, imagine what might’ve gone on? The cemetery had been taken care of, someone remembers someone cares. I wish I could’ve spoken with these people, understood them and society at the time. Now I’m in the future, looking back and moving forward – I wont forget. I have pictures, I have memories – what to do with them.
I need to do more research…

Back on the trails…
The dog and I are making moves towards the cave area again. I want to go a bit further this time, pushing more limits. I had to hold back. The dog wasn’t doing well, the heat getting to him, thirst. My mom thought the dog was having a heart attack. I thought the dog needed water and rest. After all, he’s not in the best shape. I’m pushing him and my moms hard, telling them “you loose more when you sweat more”. I almost called Aje for her help, I was a bit worried. She’d know what to do, I hope. I made a decision, give the dog more water and let him (and my mom rest). Good decision John! Now it’s time to help these 2 find the clear path…

Saturday night I wanted a beer, relax myself and enjoy the vibe. A clear path already chosen for the night, some stutter along the way. The first part of the path was “Bistro”. You know it’s not a good scene at a bar when there arent any damn patrons; expect a DRUKEN old Russian fellow. Jamie was working, $1.50 Corona’s! She talked about Jason and Brad, she’s ‘bout it. I’m hoping something propa works out for Jason, he needs a good one. I felt bad for Jamie though, I think she’s giving us cheap prices to keep us inside. The drunk is harassing her, being drunk though. I was able to snap a few pictures and a movie of this guy, too funny. He has da ‘Yak’ in one hand and a Coor’s light in the other, ghetto style. His humor and Jamie’s kindness weren’t enough to keep Adam and I there. The second part of the path was to Fosters. Lame, lamer, lamest – It wasn’t worth taking out my camera. It wasn’t worth sipping our beer, enjoying; a clear sign we needed to get over to the beer store asap. More Corona’s anyone?

Back at the ‘lab’, str8 chillin. I’m drizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz – time to watch a movie, or 2. Adam is entertained with xbox, I’m laughing at Meth and Red. No video games for me, I want to sit, stare and relax. Adam is content with his privacy in the other room, I’m happy to watch a movie and slouch. I wish she were here...

My phone rings….

4 hours later and I’m feeling weird, thinking. A lot of emotions and words exchanged. I’m worried for us, what now? I still want to comfort her; she has Josie and my smell, I have memories. I know I’ve been here for her, talked with her, cared and for her. Is this enough? What does she want from me; what do I want from her? I know I don’t want to upset her at 4 something in the morning that’s for sure. I know I speak from the heart, sometimes it hurts and sometimes it helps – I need to speak this way. I don’t want you to feel or think I’m so intense all the time; I have other emotions and other qualities that I’m trying to lay out in plain sight for you - do you see? Hopefully you know what I’m about, what I’m trying to do – you're learning my philosophy. I’m learning a lot about you too. I'm learning and understanding what it means to be involved and not committed. I want to know more. I want a lot, don’t I? What about you?

I want you to smile, to care for me, appreciate and respect me. I hope that I’ve made a positive influence in your life, got you thinking; keep you on your toes - hopefully.

But, my question, what now….

“What now” was on my mind as I eased myself into a slumber in the special place… slide. My power animal is the Lion.