GONE

I know, I havent been tagged. I ended up reading Malcom's site and figured what the fuck, give it a try! Thanks.

So, I had this post finished but my music server crashed last night, Blue screen of death due to the 3 audio cards I have for my studio. So… remember, these are my thoughts and reflections Wednesday and I wrote this on Thursday.

What I was doing 10 years ago:
…Starting freshman year of high school. I started running numbers for my uncle over the summer and managed to setup a similar system in school. Adam, Shogun and I also invested in cigarettes and started selling ‘lucy’s. Adam got into a kleptomaniac phase; I sold his goods. Shogun got into cards; I let him have a weekly card night at my house (while moms worked). I instigated and oversaw this shizzz…

Later in the year we started taking bets on sporting events. This action almost blew up in our face as I recall losing a couple grand one weekend. We managed, we struggled and through the last years of high school we ended up making a good mint off of our ‘investments’.

I still played tennis in the USTA Jr’s league and started getting scholarship letters from colleges at my tender age of 15. I started working towards being a tennis-pro. I also landed a free membership to a country club at during time thanks to my tennis skills. One catch, I had to teach lessons and help instruct weekend clinics. Not too bad for a poor kid in a rich kid environment. During the year I did moderate travel for tennis tournaments and got to see and meet Pete Sampras at a round-robin tournament in Ohio. I was befriended by a college professor Harry Erving who took me under his wing, surrogate dad style. He taught me a lot about my culture, my life and where I can go with a dream and hard work.

5 years ago:
After a few years of selling Mexican schwag I invested in Canadian beasters. I started traveling more, meeting headier people and getting more involved in a certain type of lifestyle. I also started another job, one with nice benefits and great pay (I’ve never made less than 35k since I was 18) considering it was a start-up (not really). I started making more connections through my job and the extensive weeks I spent on tour with the biscuits (after the phish fiasco). Life was good. The weed was great, my life was fast paced and I managed to build a rather large circle of acquaintances, business partners and make $ at the same time.

At work I excelled and got another promotion to Backup Systems Engineer, handling all backup problems for our PGH office (central), CT office (branch) and NY office (branch). I also moved into a new townhouse with a good CMU friend and started spinning records. I felt like I was becoming ‘myself’ or something like it… It’s a process ya know? I had my IT profession which I excelled at and I had the ganja game which I excelled at. Life was good… or so I thought.

At some point, I think after the first Disco Biscuits at the Fillmore my life started to change. My company downsized and I ended up losing a lot of close and cool co-workers. I also got put on shitty hours to help cover the loss in staff – shitty! I started taking more time off to tour and ended up getting caught up in a whirlwind of missing work, drugs and living a gypsy lifestyle. It wasn’t all bad though but I started to notice a change however subtle.

I ended up befriending my company’s Graphic Department manager who turned me onto Bret, the Cali King. Life took a very interesting turn at this point. I ended up doing business with Bret and the Boston kids for a few years but started making more moves with Bret. I never looked back; I just got another plane ticket(s), rented car(s), GPS system and numerous burners then setup shop hardcore. I still kept ties with the MA kids and helped out a lot of people up there. I also managed to build myself a nice network of heads when I left PGH for some random location….

I always had 2 things to balance 5 years ago; IT profession and ganja career. I never looked deeper into my life than the immediate future, not the 1,2,3 or 5 year plan.

1 year ago:
I know I was at my worst, various reasons. For one, I got laid off from my CMU job a job I truly loved. I started working at CMU in 2003 (after 8 interviews, IQ test and propa background check). Eventually, through a lot of VC money we ended up splitting away from CMU to take up more profit. I had a lot of good things going for me with my career; corner office, nice paycheck, nice pad, great co-workers, educational environment, positive and helpful work, the ability to take classes at CMU for free / low cost, highly educated people supporting me and my oddities… I could go on and on. I’m very passionate about my work. Work is something I enjoy doing; not for a monetary or social status. I would not do something I wasn’t passionate about, something I couldn’t invest whole-heartedly in. Life was soo good back then. Part of me took it for granted. I knew what I had going for me, I was thankful but still I pushed the envelope. I started to make a lot of changes during the year, slowly. I made changes, not let change happen to me.

During my job at CMU my illegal lifestyle started to take a toll on my social, personal and mental happiness. Socially I wasn’t able to have decent relationships with women because of my ganja obligations (it wasn’t an obligation, a choice – maybe). I wasn’t able to be the friend I wanted to be because I grinded too much. I wasn’t able to enjoy myself and my hard ‘work’. Sure, there were benefits but I know they were not the type of benefits that would help me in the long run. I became very paranoid of people in my life and their true meanings behind their actions. Personally I started growing distance from my friends and family. I worked long and hard @ CMU but my side job started taking up “company” time – not good. I wasnt visiting my family often and I wouldn’t visit my friends unless they were “custys”. My days back then were CMU -> sell a few eLBows of ganja -> make it home to eat -> go out or spin records. Mentally I was stressed to the highest of levels. I never knew if all my precautions were paying off or making my lifestyle more obvious. I became very paranoid since the stakes were higher at this point. The days when/where I sold zips were long, long gone. This was a different time, different weight and more problems. More supply, more demand. I felt as if I might be investing my energy into a worthless cause, one I didn’t believe in as much as I used to. I know my views of life and happiness changed dramatically and seemed to come to a point.

Mo Money, Mo Problems – true!

Anyways, before the year flipped from 03 -> 04 I decided to stop selling ganja. Talk about a shock to my social system! I had to drop all the old ‘heads’, stop fucking around with shady women and start making better choices for myself in the now! A few people (no names) thought I’d get back into my shizz since I lost my job. These people let me ‘do my think’ with the belief and trust that I’d truly make good choices for myself. They believed in my words of improvement for me no matter how hard it may be. If I truly wanted it I would be the only person to do it for myself. True, I still had the 1,500 a month living expense plus my car note but I was able to manage and make it. For the first time in many years I managed to live an honest and legal life, something I’m very proud of. Breaking though? Yeah, it sucked and it was rough but I had to do it. I knew better things lay ahead. I knew I could and had the ability to change my life, not let change find me.

And so…

I never thought I’d get to this point of paranoia or distrust as I always lived by the “only sell to friends” mentality. When I started confusing “acquaintances” with friends is when I noticed problems starting. I’m saying, I could be in jail right now. I could’ve been shot or killed, whatever. I could be in a lot of places right now, mentally and physically. But, I’m here!

Yeah, after dropping people from my life it improved but I was still caught up. My name was out there for years. All the kids in ‘da cut’ STILL know me for selling the kindest and finest beasters and cali crop, something I’ve felt ashamed of, something I try to change – constantly! I was caught up in a lot of other shit too, a lot of it wasn’t my own but I was still bound to it from my associates. Fuck. I had to quit grinding; it wasn’t helping me go anywhere. It wasn’t helping me grow or become a better person. I destroyed a lot last year; I created a lot of positives as well.

Yeah, last year was my worst. I actually cried hard, like Ed Norton crying in Robert Polson’s hairy Triple D chest. I realized the struggle that lay ahead. I knew I didn’t have anyone to share this with, someone that would hear me out and not judge me until they saw me for me – hearing my story without bias. I know crying helped me in ways I can only realize now. I know working towards a dream, even a dream I had a year ago changed me and helped me grown in many, many ways.You know, the “all subjects are linkages of cause and effect even if comprehensible only in retrospect” theory of mine..yeah, that’s it! Last year I made a promise to myself.

The promise...
To make my life better by leaving the ill shit I’ve done in the past. I wanted to use it for betterment of myself and others around me. I wanted to help those I’ve hurt, lied to and cheated. I wanted to make good all the wrong I’ve done. I wanted to make my life better not hope my life would improve. I wanted and still want a lot. I’m trying, I really am. I’m noticing the differences day by day, hour by hour and thought after though.

It’s funny how far I’ve come in a year. From slight poverty levels to unknown heights is how this year has gone for me (so far). I’m very happy for myself and with myself. I’m proud not braggadocios. I know this ‘vague’ information about me doesn’t clear a lot up. I’m sorry. I really cant go into every fucking detail about my life since I could get a few others in legal trouble. I can tell you that ALL of this shit I’ve typed is from my heart and from my mind.

I always knew who I was and what I’m capable of; it took 10 years of bullshit to finally realize my potential. So here I sit, awaiting the hour when I leave and start to unpack my old life and merging it into a new one. I’m soo excited, I’m very thankful and I’m glad I could finally get this out of my mind – peace, nappieness…err happiness and love.

I’ve brought my old self back… and believe me, its hard fucking work.

Remember, I create change not do not let change find me!

Yesterday:
Tired! The move is taking a lot of my body and mind. It’s like I’m running a small business for myself (something I’m good at). Things are coming into place and I realized that last night. I realized this during my conversations with Justin (and old high school friend and neighbor when I lived in the PJ’s). Words of encouragement both ways – respect man! I noticed more when I talked to Adam and Dawg last night. I wanted to talk to Joy, to share my thoughts and emotions. I know I’ll hear her voice soon. I know this week is almost over and the weekend is fast approaching. I know this weekend will fly by however odd it may be. I’m waiting… patiently.

Also, last night, as I’m putting away my dishes and other personal items I felt wonderful. I honestly recall purchases all of said products and items. Trust me when I say this it felt good. It made me realize the worst is over and the rebuilding process of what I once called ‘life’ is slowly coming back, metempsychosis style.

5 snacks I enjoy:
Bananas
Strawberries
Brownies
Peanuts
White Chocolate Oreos

5 songs I know all the words to:
“Juicy” by Notorious Big
“A children’s story” by Slick Rick
“Magellan” by The Disco Biscuits
“Badfish” by Sublime
“Old Man” by Neil Young

5 things I would do with 1 million dollars:
Pay off my brother’s court fines
Buy my moms another car (I already gave her one)
Pursue business plans I’ve come up with and invest money
Donate 150k to Abused Women
Donate 150k to Big Brothers/Big Sisters

5 locations I would run away to:
Haleakala Crater
Africa
Asia
South America
Aegean Circle

5 bad habits I have:
OCD
ADHD
Tobacco
Impulsiveness
Hard-headedness

5 things I like doing:
Working with andlearning new technology
Playing tennis
Playing Golf
Spinning records
Playing xbox

5 things I would never wear:
Abercrombie and Bitch, I mean Fitch
Bill Blass
Sean John
Spandex
Any 'tight' clothing that doenst give my body room to breath!

5 TV shows I like:
Family Guy
Simpson re-runs
History Channel (Conquerors and other programs. History channel is my shizzz)
The Wire
Comic View on BET

5 Biggest joys of the moment:
Starting my new job
Learning new technologies related to my job and future
Moving into my old but new house
Spending time with Joy
Making new friends and solidifying old friendships

5 favorite toys:
Computer / Laptop
Xbox
Turntables
Cell phone(s)
Chess