GONE

I've got bubble guts right now (...and not the do-do bubbles either). I'm nervous about my social activity tonight. Why am I nervous; I'm meeting Joy's circle of friends and family (to some extent). I'm nervous because this is new ground for me; foreign. I'm nervous like a teenage boy going on a first date (..and NO this is not my first date - not my first 'date' with Joy either).

I'm thinking how different this will be us. We've ran into our respective friends when we're out but this is different. This is an event, certain people will be there, old memories could come up... This nervousness that I'm feeling isnt all bad either. I'm rather anxious to see another side of Joy. Plus, this isnt as serious as getting together for dinner with friends or family so part of my nervousness is moot. My anxiousness is real.

True, this is a big step for us. This is the first time any/all stories about "John" get associated with a face, actions, words. I wonder if I'll be under a microscope? Am I nervous? A little bit... as I said, I think I'm more anxious than nervous. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her poking her head out of her shell, especially tonight! Actually, she's been cool with showing me more and more lately. She's a trooper, her lip stiffened up. She's willing to work towards something new; something I know causes her some fear, anxiety and scary thoughts - but, it isnt all bad. She knows, she's smart and I know she would not do this if she knew it wasnt right - respect.

I have no doubts about my character or my actions. I am myself, love me or hate me... maybe you'll find a middle ground. Just look past my abuse of gramma (haha), my tangent ways of talking and my ocd/adhd moments. I'm my worst critic and I'm not as crazy as I make myself out to me (wait, that was my other voice...haha...). Honestly, I'm a better story teller than a writer... I'm sure that is plainly obvious by my lack of use with spell check.

Anyways... tonight will be fun, regardless. I'm doing what I've wanted to do... make new friends / meeting new people. Seeing a new band and hearing a new sound (we're going to Joy's brothers gig - and I LOVE music) plus spending time with Joy. Albeit my hands will be off of her, I know our eyes will connect in that familiar way (just like this morning).

Whatever it is I find myself nervous about I know I'm slowly loosing. And the bubble guts, they're going away word by word. Anxious, yes... I'd lie if I told you I wasnt. This is going to be a very good night for us... Hopefully this step forward is a sign of things to come. Maybe it will ease whatever doubts we may have. Maybe it will make all the things we consider logical and laid out. Definetely Maybe (I love that album)

The clock is ticking my dear... 9pm