GONE

Now that they're gone I miss them. Now that they're gone I'm happy.

What about you, what about them?

I know where my past relations stand and stood. I know why we've all choosen to go our ways - I know why we wanted to walk our seperate paths or walk new paths together. For all the smiles there has been some drama.

So...
As I cooked a dinner for 6 (I was cooking dinner for myself, and no one else) I had random but good thoughts come to mind. All smiles, all easy along with the more frowns, more drama. In the process of cooking dinner; memories came up from past dinners with friends and chill nights spent in my previous residencies covered with spices and sauce. Good times! I'm laughing and enjoying the memory of all those who had the pleasure (or pain) to eat my meals and discuss whatever_it_is we discussed over dinner. I'm glad I've had these memories and used whatever_it_is to move forward...

This has been a week (actually past 2 weeks) of memories; people and places in my life. The recollection of 'things' has been an adjustment. I'm saying, dealing with 'things' is good and all but it does have a negative aspect. Good thought & bad thought. These past 2 weeks have brought up alot of introspective thoughts I've had on my life and current being. Good thoughts outweighing the bad ones. My thoughts encompass more than I, though, I'm not the only actor in my story.

As I re-do (not re-live) actions; thoughts and such - in the now, I realize it's an adjustment. The adjustment is me dealing with and being lonely. The adjustment is me doing things honestly, legally and wholeheartedly. The adjustment can only be realized by dealing with and acting in the now. Me being lonely... well, I'm in a huge house with no one to talk to (plus I feel like being a whiny brat right now)!

A bad thought: It hurts knowing certain memories and experiences come to an end. It's not always "the end", more-like less frequent. It's better to live in the future than in the past; regardless of how close to the heart one holds these memories and such.

A good thought: Making new memories and experiences is painful as well. It's enjoyable though - It's also very rewarding and satisfying to know that life can (and will) move forward - regardless. I've realized I'm more than happy to live in the now, working towards the future. I'm happy to "be" and thankful to learn what I learnt.

Time to use my acquired knowledge to move ahead; 2 steps forward and only glancing back on what the last step was and realizing I do not want to take one step backwards!

And so...


Jonny:
A good thought: Having you as friend even though we never had the intimate connection as the rest of the CMU kidz.

A bad thought: Never getting the full Jonny DeVencia experience

Marc aka Guldilox aka Big Head Todd aka MCG:
A good thought: Being good friends with you through some crazy years! Sharing my life with someone that cared and listened. For having a rich kid that felt poor to back up my poor kid who felt rich feelings. You've contributed to my life in many ways dude; more than I ever told you. Marc, you were my best friend for a few years...Thanks for introducing me around campus! Ohh - thanks for all the backstage passes from the old days... helicopters?

A bad thought: When you left for the left. I know why you didnt look back...

Mick D aka Daum aka Michael:
A good thought: For understanding my adhd / ocd moments and helping me to push through it. Thanks for the help along the way; especially when my car broke down and I had the eLBows tucked in the truck. Thanks!

A bad thought: You left for the left, like Marc. I know why you left and I know why you came back. I know why it wouldnt work and I only hope you can take care of your ' sniffles'.





Avneil:
A good thought: Man, you are kick ass dude! You're too generous and too smart for you own damn good. I think it was the small corner room that made it all come together! I know you always kept your thoughts and home open for me when I was on the road and in need of honest advice! Thanks for the countless cd's and hours of bass lessons!Thanks for letting me tell you how it feels to be a dark skinned person; thanks for sharing.

A bad thought: Well dude, it's actually been all good! I would say our arguement tendencies were the worst but never too bad that we ended a friendship. Our differences were our strenghts and those differences made us laugh.







Josh aka Diesel aka Jooooooooosh Merrrrrry:
I wish I would've taken you up on those DC invites. When we got together... Man, we'd always get into some shit! How many drunken evenings I used your size to back up my banter? How many drunken nights did you pass out in the doorway? Remember the '03' run when we almost got arrested for smoking that 5 inch bomber inside the club (and me doing other things). Remember, this was right after NYC passed the "no cigarette smoking rule" indoors? I recall us being escorted out and me being searched 2 times. I also remember you telling me it was ok, "You didnt get arrested and that you had the rest of 'the run' and the evening to enjoy. One bad night doesnt mean a bad life." Alot of life-changing events could've happened that night.. they didnt!

The band played Nughuffer "...for our kid who may go to jail" as I got escorted out of the venue by the poe-poe and club security. Funny.

After we got kicked out of the club we did our Dave Attell show; drinking at random bars in Rochester and taking the drunk tour. Thanks for sharing Josh - we bonded like brothers that holiday run! Thanks for the ride up to Boston - thanks for rolling me all the european cigs my lungs could handle... it made the ride much more relaxing! Ohh and thanks for letting me confinscate those kick ass Pete Tong mixes.

A bad thought:
Never taking you up on the DC offers. I'm sorry for not keeping up with you man. I know it was rough to see her go..



Chris aka SkiDawg aka Ski:
A good thought: you always made me laugh. you always pissed me off. now that I think about it, I wonder if I ever liked you. honestly and truthfully dude, I really liked your kindness and good spirited nature! You were a good guy! I know I took your friend status for granted. Our first meetings and the batteries we tossed around Ivy St. did not help! I'm glad we both looked past that shit.

A bad thought: Never saying goodbye and good luck when you started your new life. I hope all is well for you in the tiny town inhabited by Amish. I hope your business is doing well bro! By the way... she _was_ crazy - all of us knew it and I'm sure you did too (after living with her for 3 years). Actually, BOTH OF YOU are crazy hahahha.




To the kid in the Patriots jersey...

Andres aka Dres:
A good thought: Being a friend under odd circumstances. Teaching me and helping me get from cue point to cue point. Thanks for the opportunity to spin a few tracks on New Years in that trendy club. Thanks dude - more than I could ever say...

A bad thought: I wish we didnt live far away. I miss the scene and I miss the beats. Remember, "all my friends are dj's". Thanks for putting my under your wing!



Juliet aka JP aka Bay:
A good thought: Jules.... I really miss you. I never thought we'd get as close as we did; plutonically. Thanks for your words of wisdom my fellow Pisces. Thanks for the late night prank calls and showing me the sanity women can/could have. If it werent for your blunt words and thoughts I'd be worse off.

I hope law school is working for you. Too bad I stopped living an illegal life as we had plans to use your services to help protect me and mine... However it works out thought. Remember "we're old souls".

A bad thought: I wish we would've tried to take our relationship to another level. Plutonic was great and I'm always thankful we've shared what we did... I wish there was a man to make you happy back then. I know it sucked, trust me - I saw the frowns and crying.



Brandy:
A good thought: Well my dear, it was fun while it lasted! I should've pushed your to tell me how you felt. Now we know what happens when you think you're friends but act like something else...

A bad thought: We should'be been honest with each other. It may have hurt and it could've helped. Honestly goes a long way; moreso than an evening of lies, sweat and silence.

Jamiee:
A good thought: Ohhh Jamers... You were a cool women all the way! Your "Brown" ways... Thanks for pushing me and telling me the truth. If I only learned those truths years ago...

A bad thought: I think we flirted too much which would get me into trouble - thanks! "Keep it real" - ha.



Joe aka JoVa aka Valeri aka JMV aka DJMV aka "roomie""
A good thought: Well, this is rough. Joe, my good friend and cirumstancial brother! Man, I dont know how much we learned from each other - more than words and numbers! Did we really live in the same condo for 3.5 years? Christ... You know, Joe, you were my older brother deep down. How many nights I'd come to you for advice? How many nights did we share; shit faced and laughing. How many raves (haha - remember when they were called raves), how many tours and shows... I've sat back and thought about all this stuff that we've done and shared; it blows me away! I think on all the memories and moments we shared; all the similiarities and differences. You put up with me shit BIG TIME. You know you could've gone to jail numerous times because of me!

You know that night in Rochester you saved my ASS. How much w33d and how many pi11s did I secretly move behind my back while the police came rushing towards me! Shit dude, all of that moved in sloooooooow motion! Even secretly handing you all that shit moved in slow motion - THANK YOU. I'd surely be in jail if it was not for you! I'd surely not be the man I am if I didnt have your friendship! Thanks Joe!

Joe... I want you to know that I dont think less of you or less of our friendship. True, we purposely lost touch with each other - you know the reasons! You know I had to go after my goals and dreams. You knew how discontent I was.... You know how much drama I had. Hell, how many times did I call you in a paranoid fit trying to make sure I wasnt going to jail when I came back to the city! I know our friendship took an odd turn int he last year but know that I never lost touch with the meaning of our friendship. We both know that it's necessary to move on with or without... and we've moved on without. We have memories and we have pictures...

A bad thought:
Joe... do you remember these? I know you do! You ate 8 of them in one damn night! Do you remember me taking care of you for days, days turning into months! Fuck dude... I enjoyed a pill every now and again but damn - 8! I dont know if you remember the next month? I started to notice a change after that week.... Man, I _almost_ cried... I've never seen you destroy ANYTHING until that point. Was it the drugs or life? Both? Honestly, I always knew what it was... I'm sorry Joe! It will get better...

You know that recent 8 page email to each other - please know all my words were honest and truthful! Please know I said what I said as a friend. Our individual drama is important and meaningful. This drama needs dealth with... You've seen me do it. I want you to deal with it and figure it ou! Fuck man... "Has it come to this"?



Kara
God, where to begin. First, I want you to know that you've hurt me more than any female I've ever known, loved and cared for! I think you knew how I felt all along - I know why you did what you did too!

I remember meeting you during a friends show ontop of Zythos (now known as Z-Lounge). I remember all the things you did to get my attention; I remember me trying to play cool and your friends trying to talk you out of whatever you needed to be talked out of...

We sat at the bar during my friends 2 hour set, talking. I ignored my friends banters for "shots" and you let your ladies leave telling them "I'm in good hands". Was it really "all good"? I felt bad when you told me that your "boyfriend" wasnt treating you propa - not from abuse either. I remember telling you a bullshit line as my retort... I remember opening up to you but still keeping myself closed off. I recall all the shit you told me about Parag and "how you couldnt meet a nice guy". I recall you feeding me alot of lines... I remember you rolling your eyes at some of my comments too! I think you kept my interest by asking me questions about myself. Maybe you were being manipulative or whatever, maybe you cared or thought you could. I know I listened.. hell, you could talk my ears to sleep! Seriously though, I was into you from those first few moments of eye contact. And when you asked to go home with me...

You know what I learned that night? NEVER go home with a "bar friend" (see #2 on the 10 things I learned in 2 years). Maybe if we both let it die that night...

I remember you coming home with me that first night; strangers. I remember you leaving the note on my bed and purposely spraying my pillow with your perfume. See #5

I've always wondered why you called me back. Why, you had Parag. I had the stories and I left you with my words - even the late night ones. Still, you called me back and wanted to pursue "things".

How many times did we go out before Parag got wise? How many moments did we share before I was too late? How many times did I have to sneak out of your house when Parag would suprise you? I wonder what you told him that first year....

We should've killed our relationship after the first night I snuck out of your house. Actually, I should've killed it - but I didnt. Why... hell, I ask myself this question every fucking day (retrospectively speaking) - I was lonely at the time. Plus my dramatic illegal lifestyle pushed people away more than it would bring them closer to me - you knew AND hung it there which attracted me to you! And you knew how to push my heart... I should've hung up on you numerous times. I should've blown you off numerous times - but I didnt.

When you moved to India to complete your Anthropology research I thought that was the end of us. When you sent me that long, dirty (from dirty fingers) letter I'd almost forgotten about you and the 12 months we become close. As I read each sentence I found myself falling for you, again. Did I want the letter or the feel that way. No. Honestly Kara, I was over you - I was over the lies and bullshit. Then you got back to me, again. See #6

Women who wear glasses are one of my weaknesses. Women who give off that "librarian" mentality (educated) are another one of my weaknesses. Women are a weakness of mine...

We never ended our fling. You told me you were going to India to study and I told you I would be around. Towards the end of the first year I stopped caring. I think I came to grips with myself being played - and it hurt! I think I stopped caring because I knew I wanted you. I also know I had to stop caring because Parag still loved you. I always wanted the truth from you - you could sleep with me but continue to be with him. Another "10 things I learned in 2 years... #9

And then you knocked on my door....

My new door at my new apartment. You know, the one where I put 2 color, wireless cameras. The apartment that had 2 steel doors keeping all that shit away.

How did you find me anyways? How did you get my number? I made an effort to keep distance from those getting too close to me and here I was, shocked and suprised! Joe knew how I felt about you and I later found out what you said to him to get my number - Joe figured hell, let me hook a nigga up and give you his address - THANKS!

So, 6 months goes by and you're at my door. 6 months goes by and your telling me the same lines. Yes, I missed you. 6 months on hold - fling in the air. You knew my other dates werent working. I tried hard to forget about you. I think you knew it too well - I know you saw me vulnerable and weak. This time it's different, you werent weak - I was. "I think I love him too".

I remember constantly asking you "why are you here" "if you love him, why are you here." How many times did I tell you to go home to Parag and leave my house? You'd sit there, quietly. I would tell you that I've dated other women and wanted to see other women... I'd tell you how I'd rather be friends and not fuck around in my bed - You'd kiss my ear and tell me "I'm here".

Where was Mr Obvious when I REALLY needed him....

For 7 additonal months we continued. Then, one night Mr Obvious smacked me at 4 in the morning. Parag calling... I knew his ringtone by heart too. I cant believe you told him lies each night you were in my bed. I cant believe I let you into my bed each night...

Honestly, I think it was THAT night which did it for me. You, in my bed with me and you're answering Parag's call telling him whichever lie you could think of (or planned). I dont know why, but that night did it for me. Maybe I thought about how many times you've possibly told the same story... Maybe I thought about Parag more than I should (I do that for some odd fucking reason). I wanted to love you and believe you loved me - but - I needed to face and deal with reality. You were having an affair/fling with me... I was the reason another man slept uneasily. I was the reason for another mans jealousy.

And that night he caught us out...the last night I spoke to you - I was the reason he burned a fucking hole in my DKNY! You told me that night after we left the club "he never knew - he doesnt know who you are." Baby, another man can smell another man on his women.... same goes for women! Fuck, I'm young but not that stupid. Yes, I need a smack from Mr Obvious from time to time but I'm not completely oblvious to the obvious.

And so I left "us" that night. I left the passion, the misues of love for sex, the lies, the bullshit - all of it. I tried to tell you how much I wanted change. How I wanted to change MY life and how I thought and felt about your life. Fuck, you knew my friends and associates... You knew ME and it hurt!

And now... Maybe I should've had more closure than those painful words via cell phone. Maybe I should've told you to fuck off and rolled! You knew I couldnt, Kara. You knew a lot about me; so much that now I sometimes find myself questioning the actions and words in my current relationship. Thanks for leaving a scar...

Scars heal...
Maybe I'd view my current relationship with more clarity. Maybe I'd be less dramatic over things that may be pointless (or serious). Who knows... I could've been an ass to Joy this whole time. If I didnt have the scars from my past I would be unable to be myself - be myself to my friends, my family and to Joy.

I guess this is the day I'm forced to eat my words and enjoy them - despite how much they may hurt. Today someone told me "You seem distant". Truthfully, I told you I felt lonely - these thoughts from the story I've just told you were the reason why I seemed distant, and lonely. And just to clarify, my thoughts about Kara (and a few things I found of hers last night) caused some odd thoughts I have about "relationships" and the one I'm currently in. I'm sorry you had to catch me at a lost-in-thought / distant moment. I wanted to talk to you about these things but I ass-u-me-d you were busy last night...

I think I covered everything from my "10 things I learned in the past 2 years post" Even thought I didnt put the note by each part, sorry I'm lazy ;-)

Drama, yes. Am I over it, yes. Thank you for your brief words today; they made me thing and reflect. They helped clear up some thoughts I held onto and thought about last night - thank you. I am sorry I didnt get a chance to share them with you last night. I wanted to... I want to share them tonight...

Let's make time......