GONE

Magellan, always Magellan (with a segue or 2). I sang slowly after my long day, washing all the grime and filth off my body! Plus the song usually fits somewhere in my daily grind...

"Through burgundy smoke and a fear of home,
Alas, my final mission to the great unknown.
As my thoughts betray me in flashes so bold,
I'm reminded of home where the coast shines like gold."

Time for buuuuuuuur

After a round-about drive through some back roads and a quick stop for a 6er of Sierra I finally got ahold of live people! The crew seemed caught up in their own situations so it wasnt looking good. Did they forget it was Jason's birthday? I didnt.

Briiiiiiiiing

me: raging it up d00d?
Jason: hell yah, come join
me: propa
Jason: we're at 'the tree' aka Palms

(Jason doesnt use the "/" in his convo)

It's around 11:30 when I get to the Palms and the place is quiet. There are a few people I recognize and some loud party in the back of the bar... must be Jason and CO - yep. Jason's a loud drunk, the others are _louder_ than him. Honestly, they werent _that_ drunk, just buzzed ya know?

Jason: y0, dont go over there I got something to tell you
Jason: Lisa's here, she asked about you.
me: Lisa who?
Jason: Lisa, you know which one....
me: Nah dude, I dont...
Jason: Well, here she comes...

Now, I havent lived in 'da cut' for 4.5 years and I dont keep _all_ the people I meet in my head unless they've crossed my path recently (4.5 years time frame to present). I knew her in high school; nothing I really fancied back then. Sure, a little firting, a peck but not really my scene. Apparently she fancied me more than I did of her. I dont say this often but "that girl scared me". She was cool at first, doing the whole catch up conversation in 5 minutes (give me a break) which doesnt really accomplish much in my mind. Well, it may work if I can somehow output my 20 minute thought in 5 seconds... ha. Seriously though, you can catch up quickly if the time and place are right... a bar, not my style.

Lisa: "do you live out here, why havent i seen you out"
me: "sometimes i stay at my place and spin records or smoke blunts and play xbox, whatever I fancy really... Plus I'm not big on the "scene" out here and most of my friends dont go out as often. I live out here but I dont go out to bars often. Plus I'm moving (you know my ound-about way of getting from a to b)
Lisa: "can you buy me a drink"
me: well, I _just_ bought a round for 8 people and all I have is plastic money.
Lisa: well....
Lisa: "you know I always thought you were hot"
me: "i'm suprised, i was fuckin fat back then - now I grow out not up ;-)"
Lisa: "stop playing"
Lisa: "are you seeing anyone"
me: seeing someone? well, I'm involved and I'm happy. how about you?
Lisa: no, but hey, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll get back to you later...

Jason: "I told you"

Jason and I shared deeper thoughts on previous relationships and dates. Some banter about what type of women we wouldnt date anymore which turned out to be a lenghty and laughable conversation between Jason, Rob, Scotty and myself. Jason brought up the point of avoiding all playas, skeezas, skanks and scallywags which I agreed. I know Jason and I chatted about fidelity, trust and safe sex which are important issues for me...

me: "live and learn man"

During the random banter and chats I got to know who the "staring guy" is that I always see at the Palms. His name is Scotty. At first Scotty seemed and talked as if he were from another country (his mannerisms and speech) but upon further discussion and goading I realized Scotty is deaf in both ears. Now I felt like an ASSHOLE. I never thought Scotty was a ill seed but I always wondered why the fuck he'd stare at people. Turns out Scotty is an excellent lip reader which is what he stares at! Also turns out that Scotty is a kick ass dude because he can: down 2 shots at once (from different shot glasses) and light a cigarette with a match while striking the match behind his head! I bought the man a beer and 2 shots! He's good friends with Rob, the other guy in the crew, the old man. Rob is the type of guy I'd warn my daughter about. Fun, good hearted but a fucking dog - and this is coming from another man! He's good and I felt like I made new friends Saturday night...

"thanks guys, see you soon.." I recall saying as I somewhat staggered outside to my rented Malibu.

Bruuuuuuuuuuuuing

adam: "late night scene?"
me: "surely, see you in 10"

Adam and I kicked it in the back of my house for an hour or so; tossing beer at the gas house and seeing who could send a txt message quicker (yeah yeah). Good conversations with my friend, always! Not much depth to our conversations since we were both getting wasted from the blueberry and kush blunt I rolled. I've never been outpuffed by a cop... fucker!

-> Sunday

I awoke on Sunday with a mean hangover. I got up around 9am and walked over to the music server and qued up a Simon Posford (Mystery of the Yeti) cd and the new Gorillaz cd. I didnt stay awake long enough to hear track 2 on Yeti.... damn hangover. I need more rest.

2 hours later and I'm feeling fine! Must've been that vitamin c, tylenol and unconscious dose of psy-trance that cured me. Time for church....

I _rarely_ go to church. This was a special occasion though; my grandparents 50th Anniversary. I think I could hack an hour of church before dinner. Yeah... Nothing better than staring around a church, squinting your eyes and trying not to fall asleep. I made it though, barely.

-> Family Dinner

Joy met my family; the functional dysfunctional family! I was a bit nervous about her meeting my _whole_ family since it would be a serious step for us. I dont bring any woman back to my rents for dinner or anything like that unless it's a serious relationship or something in that direction. I doubt she would've put herself in this position if she wasnt as serious as I. She's smart (..and many other things) and cautious so I'm assuming she knew what she was getting herself into...

My family provided a loving and caring childhood for me. They instilled alot of values (good and bad) into my ever-growing mind which helps make me the person I am today. My family isnt perfect (is anyone's?), my childhood wasnt "what legends are made of" but it is MY childhood and MY experiences - I couldnt / wouldnt change or trade my infancy -> youth -> adolescence -> adulthood learning process for anything!
It's my family with their perfections and imperfections which helped produce and shape ME! Thanks! I'm glad I'm able to share myself on this level with another person. I've fairly private (despite writing down all this shit going on in my head) and dont easily devulge information in the whole "dont ask dont tell" policy I used to live by. I'm glad Joy got to see me with my family. I'm glad I got to see her interact and be herself with my family. These things mean alot to me - Having her there meant alot to me.

-> after family party

I love cake. Hard, cold marble icing.. yum. That shit tasts soo good yet soo bad. Fuck it. I played server, hooking up everyone with heady pieces of cake! I like to serve...

Joy and I chilled for what seemed like a few minutes; listening to the Gorillaz and the new Common cd while talking about what's going on in our lives. She slept for awhile and I layed there gently rubbing her body and hair, easing her into peace. I hope she had good dreams... We talked about my move and problems I'm having getting all the utilities turned on at once. She talked about her upcoming Saturday(?) with N and the drama that will follow. She said she couldnt see me this weekend which pissed me off a bit... Can I make it a weekend without being in her arms? Do I want to start my week off not knowing what changes happened in her life, changes that will effect me and "us"? Do I want to be there when she's hurt, crying and struggling to close the door?

My answers: yes, no and yes.

Given the circumstances of my move it's doubtful I'll be able to enjoy her on Friday since I have to get up uber-early, 8am style. Saturday I move and from what she said she's going to be busy letting N get the rest of his stuff from her house. Then there's Sunday...

I've been trying to figure out if her words meant that she needs time alone to get her mind together over the weekend. Does she need time alone with N, time for whatever it is that's making me slightly paranoid. Am I paranoid or concerned or worried? All this drama has built up and it's about to erupt this weekend! Am I to sit back and wait for my turn to speak?

As per my conversations last night I know what core topics are bothering me about N's visit this weekend. Yeah, he's here to get "his stuff" but what's to stop him from trying to take a bit more... I've already told her that I trust her... I've already told her that I ....

As per my conversations last night I know there's another view to this. The view I like, the view I want, it seems blurry right now. I'm wondering if her words left a jaded view on my thoughts. I know I cant walk into Monday with hopes and happy thoughts only to have some hidden feeling lingering in the back of my mind causing me to have blurred vision. My vision's blurry because I dont know which view I'm seeing is truth - and I've already told her I trust her... I've already told her that I ....

"And i'm off past the vision, the line of the light,
Where oceans turn waterfalls, daytime turns night.
And no people return, no stories to tell,
And i watched thru the door for the toll of the bell."

At least Kasabian plays a local venue on Monday....