GONE

So, Monday or Tuesday I usually gather up the remaining brain cells and make a slightly legible post, not this time. Here we are at Wednesday and I'm finally able to have "jon" time at work - le sigh.

Yeah, it's been quiet busy at my office, starting off Monday morning @ 8:37am, yes, thats right 8:37am. Seriously though, I've been busy dealing with the aftermath of the network outage and the problems we've ran into re-routing all network traffic. These tasks keep me busy, soo busy that I dont have a free moment to work on this journal, soo busy that I dont want to use a computer when I get home.

Monday and Tuesday I've gone home to make dinner, play a few games of Halo 2 and clean my place (thanks to my OCD and allergies).

I felt bad that I was unable to express myself in other ways, creatively speaking. I dont write on my journal because I'm obligated. I'm doing this because I a)enjoy it, b)value seeing my words to reflect on c)i'm loosing my memory and need all the notes of my life. I'm glad I have another outlet to express myself; music, sports, work, whatever...sometimes it's not enough. I'm satisfied though, this (actually keeping up with my journal) has been very rewarding for me. It's been hectic for me at work and out of work, enjoyable but not easy. And now I have the time to finish this draft thats sat in my folder since Monday at 10am.

./end banter

So, here we go.... Starting off from Friday after work.

...and yes, it was fun! sleep-deprived still. no work-related problems over the weekend. pressures of new role are ok, although I'm not very keen on being at work today. fuck it, it's Monday. I can hear the weather outside, 'gainst my window...

"i cant stand the rain"

...and the tap, busted! the weekend plans werent as flat as I thought, fun though. I like having plans, even if they change. Change isnt bad either, especially when it's unexpected _and_ enjoyable!

...and those 8 minutes of agony, worthwhile!

Friday started of proper like. We headed to the ballgame preparing to be immersed in the crowd, 2 of many. However, we found 2 others that werent strangers, one co-worker and the other, his wife!

I know we didnt watch _any_ of the ball game, not until the top of the 9th. Yes, we arrived on a different timezone (AST) which popped us at the stadium during the 4th inning - we were already losing. We scurried to get buur and a hotdog, bending and dodging the momma's and the poppa's along with an occasional mullet.

...and so, on our way to the Standing Room Only section I noticed a familiar face, a co-worker! We stopped out to the smoking section for a chat, which turned into random but enjoyable conversations about technology, music and work. Another round of beers and 3 innings later we decided to get to our seats. We were invited to join our co-workers at their seats, which were down the 3rd bassline - a huge improvement from SRO seating! Also, a great seat to watch fireworks! Thanks Rob. If it werent for their invite I wouldnt have been able to take good pictures (even thought they were taken with my mobile).
Yeah...the fireworks kicked ass! I cant recall the reason for such a grand display other than chalking it up to a fun summer evening @ a baseball game. Skyblast rocked my world and the members of the audience, sickest!

After the beautiful display we teamed up for a few drinks at a bar/club across the street from the stadium. Now... I learned a few things this night; a)watch out for scandalous women, b) women who drink vodka _can_ and _will_ do crazy things c)only in Pittsburgh will a dancefloor go wild for "Pour some sugar on me" - in 2005? d)sleep deprivation sucks!

Ohh, I also learned that I _can_ and _will_ dance when I'm proper from the drink. And I wasnt drunk either - a combination of buzzed and sleep deprivation. At one point I recall feeling tired and I know I closed my eyes when I paid my utility bill - and NO I didnt piss on myself either! I was tired and I wanted to go home to sleep but I didnt want the fun to end. However, I was well aware that we were having _alot_ of fun and that soon we'd have to take that slurry walk back...

...and so it's another walk to my auto. the walk wasnt normal, police looking for suspicious folk, drunken. tossing signs onto the street, moving parking posts, scaling fences, sushi banter...does that warrant a turn-around and long stare from the poe-poe?

Ohh, and I scrapped the Mali on a wall. All I remember is blinking then hearing the metal grind against the wall. In a second life changes, minor or major. Nothing bad or major though, insurance has it's purpose. Insurance fixes everything, i think!

And so...

...Waking up on Saturday to beautiful sites, lovely. Birds chirping, sun shining. I know the mix of alcohol wasnt helping my head though. I'm glad she could take care (brief) of me when I needed it. It was nice to spend a partial morning -> afternoon in bed, chatting and enjoy those magic moments where time stands still.

Saturday was a productive day for Jon. I got a new faucet and bathroom mirror / medicine cabinet installed. I chatted with Brian's dad for a few hours, this and that - government policies, specifically OPEC and social security.

After Brian's dad left my house I scurried out to visit the family. The baby wasnt around =( - I got to chat with my grandparents, telling them about the new things in my life, the joy of having a house and the start of my education process. I had alot to stay, I always do.

'ding-dong'

I answer the door, it's Miriam, my grandparents friend. I've know Miriam since I was a pup at the tender age of 2. I welcome Miriam into the house, tell her we're eating dinner and invited her to a seat at the table.

Miriam is in an odd mood from what I notice. She's chocking up with emotion, some tears and a few partial sentences. After a few minutes of keeping her emotions internal she expels her feelings and lets out a lengthy and sad cry. I felt terrible, curious and eager to help dry those eyes. Miriam proceeds to talk to my grandfather in their native tongue, Syrian. Now, I dont know much Syrian but I could tell there were a few curse words and a few words that I recalled as being emotional words (from what I made of their speak). The Syrian tongue soon turned into english and I was able to fill-in the gaps from Miriams story.

Unfortunately, Miriam found of on Friday she has cancer. Miriam proceeded to break down even more as she delved into the severity of her sickness. "I've not cried this hard since my grandson Nathan was killed."

...and Nathan. What I remember of this boy.... He had scruffy but curly hair fitting for the standard issue mixed arabic child. Nathan loved his Saturday morning cartoons, blueberry pancakes and his big-wheel. I had a bigwheel as well. Nathan and I would ride our bigwheels around the church when we were pups... that's a long, long time ago - 1982.

I remember talking with my family about Nathan's last physical day on earth. Nathan, riding his bigwheel, rode out into the street. Sadly, he was hit by a car going the speed limit. Unfortunately, Nathan was killed as a result of his injuries. I remember going to his funeral, unable to understand why there was a picture on his casket. Not able to understand why I had to dress up proper and why my childhood friend was not here to make me laugh.

I remember, always.

...and so, after hearing Miriam and giving her a proper backrub I decided I should go. I wanted to give my grandparents time with their friend. My grandparents fucking rwak! They were asking Miriam if she wanted to hang out with them for the evening, put back a few mixed drinks, watch home movies. Basically, my grandparents were trying to give Miriam the "goodvibes" common with my family. They were being stand-up friends, helping out someone who means alot to them. I see where I get alot of my good natured spirits from. La Familia. I gave my Situ (Syrian for grandmother) a kiss on the cheek and my Jidu (Syrian for grandfather) a firm and re-assuring handshake.

Peace.

I swing past my moms to wash clothes, chit-chat and help her with her techological toys. I know she's happy she has a geek in her family, me! My mom struggles with technology, however, she has me to help - and thats normally what I do for her when I go home, fix her gadgets and such. I'd jack her tv in a minute though, 60in hd widescreen...yum! I played a few games of Halo 2 on that big tele and let me say it truly blew my mind!

After chillin with mom-duke for a few hours I felt hungry...I had to get home, someone planned on cooking me a meal!

"On this road...travel"

...and so I travel, on this road Route 43, speeding, blasting Mike Jones and Phish.

I get home and find myself the new owner of a lawnmower. Fitting. I need to cut my grass ehh? God, it's been awhile since I've cut grass! The smell of freshly cut grass will make my eyes look like I got punched in the eye, PYITE - how fitting! My allergies kick up rather fiece, sinuses just running... worst ever.com. Luckily I have, no had a proper stock of Zyrtec to keep the allergies away!

I smell, time to shower and enjoy a good shave.

From my door...knock-knock-knock

"Hello beautiful"

...and yes, dinner was delicious! I'm very happy she knows her way around a kitchen, even one that isnt too familiar to her, not yet. I wonder what other meals she can satisfy me with, it'll be her turn soon!

...and she can cook! I definitely was impressed with the meal and it's presentation. Naturally, I had to put my .2 cents in by making the salad. Here's what our heady meal looked like:


Women who cook quickly earn "plus 1" in my heart. And no, I dont have a number system, just a saying, like "Kobe". Besides, I cant count, what good would it do me - hell, I confuse my left and rights ;-)

Seriously, I like a women who can take care of herself and her man in the kitchen, thats soo hot. It definitely impresses a man when a woman cooks a proper meal, satisfying to the last drop too! Thanks! I've dated my share of inept women, unable to make a meal that requires more effort than applying A1 or opening a box. So, again, thank you!

...and this meal doesnt come for free either! I have work I owe her, a working laptop. Configured, updated and tweaking. I'm a good sysAdmin and trust me, her laptop will be proper when I'm done!

...and the remainder of Saturday night was spent browsing old photo albums, sharing random moments and solidifying the bond we share. It was nice to sit back on a Saturday evening, laughing at pictures, listening to good music and enjoying private time; alone, special and unique. Good food, good music, a good person....I was loving it, perma-grin stylee!

...and Sunday.

Woke up early, very early. It wasnt "all bad" though, time restrictions and previous plans - le sigh.

So, since I was up before 6am I decided to make the most of my 'waking life'. I cleaned up the house, straighten up from the previous nights activity and caught a movie on the tele, SpaceBalls!

After the movie and a few phone calls I took a nap.

Mulberry's Dream - and yes, "I first caught the sun at noon today"

An odd dream, I traded in my car for a new Ford Mustang, convertible vs moon-roof. Now, I've thought about trading my car in all week, since the dream. I'm wondering what my car will be like when I get her back. I miss Ayla, my car, my whip. I may get my car back this weekend, it's been a fucking month! I'm joy riding this weekend, count on it!

Sunday was relaxing. I ended up kicking around the house for awhile before making my way to the basketball court for a friendly game of 1on1, h-o-r-s-e and around-the-world. It felt good to enjoy a nice day in the sun being physical and enjoying a few conversations with Brian.

After the b-ball game I came home for a shower - I had work to do! I came into the office to "check-up on things" then headed home to eat lunch and chill, traditional Sunday style, is that how it goes Jason?

I ended up on the couch, playing Halo2 and waiting for Joy to arrive. I talked with Nick, thinking through our plans for Sunday.

Joy arrived and found her spot on the couch. I knew she was tired... The past 2 evenings were fun but they definitely took a toll on her. I felt it (tired) too but not as much as her. I was more than happy to let her rest while I stroked her hair and rubbed her back. She's rather cute when she's asleep, deep or light. I sat back, eagerly awaiting those dreamy eyes of hers to focus on me...

...and when they did, she smiled and I reciprocated. It's nice to wake up next someone you care about.

After the first glance and "good evening", we talked about our plans for Sunday evening. I also talked with Nick while she slept and told him that we may not come out, we're both tired and we dont know when we'll get up and out. He understood, it's Nick, he's a good man and a good friend. "Have fun man!"

...and so, I suggested we spend another night relaxing, watching Sunday evening cartoons and maybe a few skits from Chappelle Season 2. All good! We chilled on the couch, enjoying a pint of Boddington and being lazy - Sunday style, proper!
I also know I gave the longest back massage to date - 47 minutes. Luckily, all the video game playing from early in the night loosened up my hands and fingers. Plus we bought a massage package last week, oil made it easy to please and work out those pesky knots she always has.

...and she _always_ falls asleep when I do this.

Yeah, it was very chill, very normal and very romantic. And so, after a few hours of playing she fell asleep. I layed there, quiet and still, flipping the channels trying to find something to entertain my wandering mind; Biography of Jimi Hendrix will do!
After the biography, I tried to coax Joy to the bedroom, it's never easy, not with a deep sleeper.

-> Monday

And then there were those odd moments in the wee hours of Monday morning. It felt like a dream; Latin music in the background, blurry images, spotty memories. I thought it was a dream when I woke up, alone. Especially when I woke up alone...

...and so, I get to work early, still sorting out the previous evening. And when i get to work it's no normal Monday. I have 2 staff begging for help, 2 remote users desperately trying to access internal resources, 5873 spam messages to sort plus a few unexpected questions about routing and network traffic - and yes, I almost had to whip out my flow-chart and bust up the white-board for more illustration.

It sucked, Monday fucking blew. I know it will get better, I'm at work, once I leave the pressue will vacate my mind, hopefully!

...and I wasnt able to sort anything out, not during work hours.

And when I get home, I get a sad call from my uncle. My uncle was my image of a "father" since I did not grow up with a biological. My uncle and my relationship is very similar to mine and Kaleighs - in more ways that I knew - and I'm still learning how many lessons I learned from him! So, my uncle calls me, he's a bit down, I can tell from his voice. He proceeds...

...and afterwards I can only give him my advice, however insignificant it may seem to me. My uncle is 50 and I'm 25. Our drama is different, obviously. I dont have kids, huge mortgage and other trappings that come with being a happily married 50 year old man. However insignificant I think and feel my uncle doesnt see it that way. He knows I've been laid off 2 times, each having seriously changed my life. And he's asking me... And I'm listening. It's all about love, family and change.

I mean, my uncle is 50 years old, he's _the_ accountant for a Medical Company, main office in Manhattan, branch office in Pittsburgh. For 18 years he's worked and slaved at this place. His hard work and slavery have rewards, 2 days a week for golf (which he uses for meetings and business conferences, xxx,xxx a year, 2 company cars... He's lucky. And he proceeded to tell me that his company was letting him and his entire department go, laid off. 18 years of servitude. And now...

He's chocking up but he's happy. He's getting a decent severance package plus my aunt, his wife, is a head nurse another Medical Center. He's telling me things will work out, he's jaded / vexed. He wants to know how it feels when you've put alot of your love, life and energy into a project and then have nothing. Security, comfort, money, corporate policy and procedure... many topics were discussed.

In the end, my uncle wasnt chocked up, he wanted to share. And I thanked him for his time, for sharing. I thanked him for listening to me and my stories... I love my family. He told me he talked with auntie, his wife but he wanted to talk to me! Thanks Uncle Chip, for all you've done and all you've said over the years.

And when I go home this weekend I'm paying my uncle a visit, I'm giving him a big hug, I'm puffing-tuff with my uncle, the old deadhead who used to live in my grandmothers basement. I will thank him again for being a positive role model in my life, a father figure when I had no father...

Change.

After all this discussion of jobs and stress had me wanting to release energy. I needed to swear, scream and fantasize...so I played Halo2. And let me say, being slightly vexed I ran through peeps, I showed NO mercy! And you know what, it felt good!

After spending a few hours playing video games I decided to earn my Saturday evening meal and continued working on the laptop. During this process I was able to organize my finances, plans and other random personal notes... that felt good too!

ring-ring

...and now to flat some things.

First, I'm sorry I wasnt able to voice what I had going on. Business first. It was rough for me too... I know she laid alot on the line, more than she normally does. And I know it hurt when I didnt respond proper. It just hurt... both of use felt it. I felt it in the early hours of Monday and she felt it in the afternoon. Reconcile.

...and it wasnt forced between us, the words were choppy; stop - start. Getting them out / venting helped. And you know I'm not the guy who lets it go either. I must understand, I need peace. And I got it... I know she did too. And we learned yet another thing about each other, more quirks, more bonding, love.

-> Tuesday

And I roll out of the house, turn on the _only_ hip hop station in the city which is playing Ice Cube's "today was a good day". Maybe this is a sign. And Tuesday, it was great. Low stress, no staff jumping on my back to get this or that done for them. Hell, my boss even thanked me for handling it proper!

And the evening, lovely. Grocery shopping, video games, playing with the laptop and fixing it up even more! Yesterday was a good day, true to the first tunes of the day. Ewwww wah!

And so, here we are on Wednesday. And I'm feeling it, I'm feeling good! I have a a special dinner in the works for tonight. 2 bottles from my favorite wine makes, no work to do after work... all smiles, all easy.

And If you've read this, maybe you'll understand. Maybe you'll know less than you did before - I have that odd quirk. Was there a point to all of this verbage, maybe. To me, there's always a point. I'm doing this to remember, enjoy, embrace and share. And I know I dont get to the point of all things in my head, I know it... I dont care. My life continually changes and sometimes the points get mashed up and I'm the only one who can sort them out... give me time, I have plenty of suprises left!

I hope all is well for you. Even if you have 1.5 days left, 45 days left or a lifetime of expectations... please know it gets better, it always does. Keep your head up and make change, dont let it find you.

peace