GONE

alright fingers, do something....

"how's the journal thing coming along...?"

I never thought he'd ask. Accidents happen. I can be careless when I'm behind a monitor - you know, when you're in the office looking at porn and you turn away for that brief second only to find your office-mate staring at the screen, yeah - that feeling! Not that I do that sorta stuff....

Regret.

"Do you have any, things you've done and seen - actions and reactions - do you regret any of it?"

And you know, I spoke from the heart - he felt it, he saw my eyes. Easily, I told him I've lived my life proper; enjoying each situation I've been placed in, looking and learning from them. I'm hoping for the best in this world - what else should I think about, seriously? I want to live the best way possible, for me...And it's not all about me, other peoples happiness means something to me, something positive.

I want to see and experience my version of life as a participant, not as a spectator. And in some ways I do just that... there are moments I'm watching too! Lucid Dreaming. And yes, I've read a lot of things on Wikipedia today!

So, regret - No! All these experiences, everything has meaning and purpose to/for me!

And I'll tell you; our relationship (as of these past 2 years) has been different than all previous years. It's like we're strangers; however, when we met we connected on a deep level. It wasnt fluff, it was real! Real as if our meeting was the last one we'll ever have, each going our separate ways. We'll make it matter, make it count. Strangers.

We have an understanding of and for each other, respect for the individual. I can honestly tell him that's how I've treated my neighbor, my brother, my friends and even strangers - respect. I can tell him, with pride, that it's thanks to him and my upbringing that I'm the way I am...

So regret - no! All these experiences, everything has meaning and purpose to/for me!

...and if it's supposed to be "real"

Then I can tell you (and I know you seen and read it) that I set the backyard on fire when I was 13, I shot the car with the bb-gun, that I didnt believe being Christian was the best thing for me, that I've fucked up, I've been fucked up, lied, worked my ass of, cried, smoke ganja, set and fulfilled goals...you've seen my at my worst and at my best. And I'm sure at your age you have the ability to see what's bad and what's good, qualities of a person and such things that make us unique. I trust, know and respect you're able to see that I understand and know what's best for me...

All of this has made me who I am. And you've watched me make decision after decision, action and reaction - you've watched me grow.

So, keeping it real; my life and experiences have made me who I am, who I'm going to be... And am I a bad person? You've seen my "work in progress" I call my life. Fuck, you're my grandfather, the patriarch - more of a father than my biological!

I wish I could keep it simple, short and precise.

Unlike him, I cant keep it short, simple, sweet and to the point. I banter, tis what I do...

Thank you, for everything - all these years - for the words you speak and thoughts you've shared.

It's personal, meaningful and it might not make sense unless you're me.

I'm glad my grandparents came over today. Talking with my grandfather is a good thing for me. These past 2 years of my life have been the best, he's been a major part of that process, of my growth. I'm believe it only gets better.

Sure, shit has gone up and down, up and down, etc..I believe it works out in "the end".

I've shared my thoughts and life with my paps without fear, treating each moment and each conversation as if it were our last. You never know what to expect when you're pushing 80... I value these moments in my life. Thank you photographic memory. So yeah, I gotta make it count, feel meh?

...and I'm still rocking "today was a good day"

I need to play Halo 2. Peace