GONE
2005/11/15
this fukin post, i swear, i just deleted it - by accident - all 5 "saved" posts. gone
in the words of Charlie Murphy, fuck it.
anyways....
to the 'online' and 'offline'...sorry. things have been crazy since last week... i've been an emotional mess as of late. and all of you were there for me. thank you. every word and thought really helps
it's been very painful and emotional dealing with the family problems as of late. and i know a few of you witnessed a side of me you've not seen before.
it's been rough. very rough. but, i have hope.
seeing my Situ, my mom...unable to remember her boy. 25 years of bonding, smiles and life....
she asks "what's your name?"
she asks "why are you here?"
she says "where's my baby!"
i've never cried like this, ever.
seeing my Situ, my mom...seeing her deteriorate in front of me hurts. being unable to do much besides comfort her hurts. everything hurts.
occasionally she remembers; "JJ, i'm soo glad to see my boy."
and i cry some more
there are moments when we're looking at each other; silently having a conversation that only the eyes understand. the bond we've built our entire life nothing more than tears and occasional thoughts. and i see her trying to put it all together. to remember
moments of silence like this are hard to explain. but i try
and i catch a glimpse of hope from time to time. her tears dry up, thoughts coming back. fleeting
but hope...
in my heart i believe things will improve. and day by day things have improved. but this isnt the end. there's only one end...
...and the hardest thing i've come to grips with is that it's easier for me to watch someone die over time than see them go suddenly....
...but not yet. you're fighting very fukin hard for your life.
and one reminder of how things _used_ to be; in my refridgerator there's the last meal she made for me. it hurts to look at it. and i wont eat it, ever.
but hope.... i still have it. i know it's going to be rough
and my friends...just know that i appreciate everything done for me and my family...it means more than i put into words. thank you
now back to resuming my regularly scheduled entertainment i call my life. cheers
in the words of Charlie Murphy, fuck it.
anyways....
to the 'online' and 'offline'...sorry. things have been crazy since last week... i've been an emotional mess as of late. and all of you were there for me. thank you. every word and thought really helps
it's been very painful and emotional dealing with the family problems as of late. and i know a few of you witnessed a side of me you've not seen before. it's been rough. very rough. but, i have hope.
seeing my Situ, my mom...unable to remember her boy. 25 years of bonding, smiles and life....
she asks "what's your name?"
she asks "why are you here?"
she says "where's my baby!"
i've never cried like this, ever.
seeing my Situ, my mom...seeing her deteriorate in front of me hurts. being unable to do much besides comfort her hurts. everything hurts.
occasionally she remembers; "JJ, i'm soo glad to see my boy."
and i cry some more
there are moments when we're looking at each other; silently having a conversation that only the eyes understand. the bond we've built our entire life nothing more than tears and occasional thoughts. and i see her trying to put it all together. to remember
moments of silence like this are hard to explain. but i try
and i catch a glimpse of hope from time to time. her tears dry up, thoughts coming back. fleeting
but hope...
in my heart i believe things will improve. and day by day things have improved. but this isnt the end. there's only one end...
...and the hardest thing i've come to grips with is that it's easier for me to watch someone die over time than see them go suddenly....
...but not yet. you're fighting very fukin hard for your life.
and one reminder of how things _used_ to be; in my refridgerator there's the last meal she made for me. it hurts to look at it. and i wont eat it, ever.
but hope.... i still have it. i know it's going to be rough
and my friends...just know that i appreciate everything done for me and my family...it means more than i put into words. thank you
now back to resuming my regularly scheduled entertainment i call my life. cheers
posted by Not Jon # 11/15/2005 06:00:00 PM 
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